Is Your Relationship Picker Broken?

Is Your Relationship Picker Broken? Understanding What We Truly Want and Need.

Have you ever paused to ask yourself why you keep choosing partners who don’t meet your emotional needs? We often say we want the best from a relationship, yet we find ourselves drawn to people who can’t—or won’t—give us what we truly want. 

Do we really know what we need from a partner, or are we unknowingly repeating patterns from our past? Maybe we gravitate toward people we think we can fix, those we see potential in, or even those who mirror qualities we wish we had but are afraid to pursue ourselves.

A few months ago, I binge-watched a TV show called Unprisoned. One of the main characters, played by Kerry Washington, posted a message on her blog about her "picker" being broken. It made me laugh at first, but later—after watching the episodes—it got me thinking. Was my picker broken? 

Why We Choose the Wrong Partners

After some deep thought and a lot of honesty with myself, I realized I often gravitated toward individuals with potential. I wasn’t trying to mold them into someone else; I simply saw their possibilities. I thought, If only they could see what I see in them, how amazing would that be? 

Looking back, I realized many of my partners had good qualities. Some were motivated and driven for a while, but it often didn’t last. When their ambition fizzled, I’d start feeling unfulfilled. It was as though we were playing a game where only one of us was still invested, and eventually, the relationship would fall apart.

But the truth is, potential is just that—potential. It’s not a guarantee. No matter how much we believe in someone, they have to see their own worth and take their own steps toward growth.

This made me wonder: Was I choosing these partners because I didn’t fully understand what I wanted or needed in a relationship? Or was I avoiding my own self-discovery by focusing on fixing others?

Emotional Availability and Past Patterns

Another question surfaced: Why are we drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable? For some, it’s a subconscious attempt to heal wounds from the past. Maybe we’re trying to rewrite a narrative or relive an experience, hoping for a different outcome.

Sometimes, we choose partners based on familiarity. If we’ve experienced inconsistency or emotional neglect in the past, it might feel oddly “normal” to pursue those same traits in a partner.

But relationships built on these patterns rarely thrive. They often leave us feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, or stuck in a cycle of repeating the same mistakes.

Is Your Picker Broken?

So, how do we know if your “picker” is broken? Start by reflecting on your past relationships. Think about the partners you’ve chosen and the dynamics of those relationships.

• Are there recurring themes or patterns?

• Do you gravitate toward partners who lack ambition when you crave motivation?

• Have you found yourself repeatedly drawn to people you feel you can “fix” or help grow?

• Do you tend to pick partners who are emotionally unavailable, even when you desire connection and vulnerability?

• Are your choices influenced by past relationships—perhaps trying to recreate something familiar or avoid a past mistake?

Take a moment to sit with these questions. Write down your answers if it helps. Sometimes, seeing your thoughts on paper can bring clarity to patterns you didn’t realize were there.

Think about the qualities you’ve valued most in your partners. Were those qualities present consistently, or were they just potential you hoped would blossom? For example, if you were drawn to someone’s charm and creativity, did those traits translate into a healthy, supportive relationship?

Ask yourself:

• Did your needs go unmet because your partner wasn’t capable of fulfilling them?

• Did you communicate those needs clearly, or did you assume they would intuitively understand?

• Were you truly compatible, or were you holding on to an idealized version of the relationship?

This process isn’t easy, but it’s the first step toward understanding why certain patterns keep repeating. Once you’ve identified the patterns, you can begin to change them.

Fixing Your Picker

Recognizing that your picker might be broken is just the beginning. The next step is taking actionable steps to fix it. This starts with self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. Here are a few ways to begin breaking the cycle:

1. Understand Your Needs and Wants
   Take time to identify what you truly want and need in a partner. Make a list, but be realistic—don’t focus on superficial qualities. Instead, think about values, communication styles, and emotional compatibility.
   

2. Focus on Your Growth
   Before seeking a partner, work on yourself. Explore your passions, set personal goals, and cultivate self-confidence. The more grounded you are in your own identity, the less likely you’ll be to settle for someone who doesn’t align with your values.
   

3. Set Boundaries and Standards
   Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. Don’t compromise on your core values or tolerate behavior that makes you feel unappreciated.
   

4. Stop Trying to Fix Others
   It’s tempting to see potential in someone and want to help them grow, but you can’t do the work for them. Choose partners who are already in alignment with your values and goals—not those who might align someday.
   

5. Seek Professional Support if Needed
   Sometimes, our patterns stem from deeper issues. Therapy or counseling can provide valuable insight into why we make certain choices and how to change them.

Moving Forward

As I reflect on my journey, I realize that the key to healthier relationships lies within me. By focusing on my own growth and understanding my needs, I can make better choices in the future.

The truth is, until we’re honest with ourselves, we can’t fully understand what we need from a relationship. By uncovering your own truths and focusing on personal growth, you can break old patterns and build relationships that truly fulfill us.

If you’re ready to break the cycle, take a moment to reflect on your own relationship patterns. Are you choosing partners who align with your values and needs, or are you stuck in a cycle of choosing based on potential or familiarity?

Love isn’t like a romantic comedy. You won’t bump into “the one” in a coffee shop and live happily ever after by the end of the weekend. Real love takes time, effort, and self-awareness.

Instead of seeking relationships that hinge on potential or familiarity, focus on creating a life you’re proud of—one that naturally attracts the right kind of partner.